11 year Death Anniversary
My Grandmother died at 94 years old on 6/12/11. I have wanted to write about this time in my life from the new perspective I have as a death doula, especially since caring for her at the end of her life was what inspired me to become a death doula. Even though at that time I had no idea death doula’s existed, I knew of hospice and that was all I had heard of to help people at the end of life, I was so moved by the experience of caring for my Grandmother at the end of her life that I wanted to do this work with people to help them while they are going through a similar experience.
Re-reading my blog posts from 11 years ago when I was caring for my Grandmother at the end of her life reminded me of how hard it was, how beautiful it was, and how time does help us heal. Throughout this blog post I will have in quotes some selected parts from the original blog that I wrote 11 years ago about taking care of my Grandmother at the end of her life. I wrote it to have a place to get out what was going on for me at the time, I had no training on how to care for someone at the end of life and no real idea what caring for someone at the end of their life would be like and I found that writing was helpful for me in processing what I was going through. Some of the writing was just ramblings, some parts of it seemed like it could be helpful for other end-of-life caregivers to read so they would know that a lot of what they are experiencing and feeling is natural. Most of us are not prepared at all for what to expect as someone gets nearer to the end of their life but death doula’s are here to help with the experience.
For the last few weeks of her life, Grandma was on hospice care and they were wonderful to work with. The hospice nurses helped me understand what was happening as best as they could. The hard part is that we go through our lives avoiding death, only seeing the entertainment version of death and dying, and then we are faced with it we are not prepared for the realities of the dying and grieving process.
Quick back story. My husband and I lived with my Grandmother for the last 4 years of her life, she had just turned 90 when we moved in. During that time we opened a bakery and my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, so she was going through different treatments for a few years while we lived with her and we were building a business.
Stephen and I had our son in December of 2010 and he was a baby for the last few months of her life. Watching the two of them together, one beginning life and one ending life, was a really interesting time for me. Some of it was frustrating and some moemnts were beautiful. I would bring the baby downstairs to see her in the morning and she would sit in her chair, hooked up to the machine she used to treat the swelling in her arm caused by the cancer treatments and he would sit in his little baby chair watching her while she would talk to him. Both are stuck in their chairs, not able to get out and move around but for very different reasons.
Grandma and Baby B on the porch in the last few weeks before she died.
With the help of hospice we were able to keep her in her home until two days before her death. The day she died I visited her with the baby. “Earlier today when my Mother and I were leaving Hospice, I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her. She opened her eyes a little bit for a few seconds then closed them, I think that was her saying goodbye since she wasn't talking at all by then. I am grateful for all of the time I had with her and for the little bit of time we all had together the last few weeks.”
I wanted to be there for the moment she died and as we were leaving I asked the nurse if she would be able to call me in time to get there. She assured me that usually there are signs that someone will die within a few hours and she would call as soon as she saw them. As the body starts to shut down the vital signs will change, the body temperature will change sometimes going from very hot to very cold, and breathing can change to where it makes a rattling noise that sounds like it would be uncomfortable but it is a natural part of the dying process.
That night the nurse visited her around 11 pm to check on her, she gave her morphine since she was so restless, and then by 11:30 she went back to check on her and she was gone. It was very much Grandma’s style to not want people around for things especially if it would inconvenience them and I am convinced she heard me tell the nurse to call me in time to get there to be with her. That is fairly common that people will either die as soon as their loved ones leave the room, or they will wait to die until someone gets there.
When I got the phone call from my Mom that Grandmom had died, I went to sit on the porch of the house we shared with her for the last four years. A house that my Grandfather had built for her when they got married, a house that she lived in for 70 years. Growing up I spent a lot of time sitting on that porch with her, drinking tea and listening to the stories she would share about her life growing up on a farm in South Jersey. It was honestly one of my favorite places in the world, on that porch drinking tea with her.
“I am on the porch, Grandmom told me she would sit on the porch and talk to her mother so I couldn't think of a better place to go. I just can't believe it, she is really gone, Grandmom will never walk around the house or cook in the kitchen again.”
Sometimes it seems like the world should not go on, our loved one has died and our life will never be the same. Yet the world goes on like it would any other day. Even for those of us that are left behind, we still have to wake up the next day and keep going with our lives. Even when we can’t imagine life without our loved ones.
“Wow, it is amazing how life can change so drastically in an instant but yet it still goes on. The neighborhood dogs are still barking, and Berkeley still woke up to eat right after I got off the phone with my Mom, we all live and die and that is the way it is supposed to be. But it does suck, my eyes and head and heart hurt but I know I am not alone and that does make it better.”
Most of us know that death is inevitable, it will happen to all of us and everyone we love, but we often don’t expect the way we will feel about it when we are face to face with it. The mix of feelings that came up for me after she died, and even during the last few months of her life, surprised me at times. Once someone dies we can feel both intense grief and sadness while also feeling relief, and in my case, I even used the word “happy”.
“It feels strange to be happy about it, it will be nice to have it be ‘our’ house but if given the choice I would still have Grandmom here with us, just the Grandmom from a few years ago. There is no point in thinking about that though, we can't change things and I am trying to not feel guilty about being glad we have the house to ourselves. Especially when I know how much I am going to miss her. I am glad she has passed on, I think about her laying in the bed yesterday, the last time I saw her, and I don't want to remember her that way. Just thinking about it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, I miss her so much already. It was such a shitty situation for all of us and I am glad she didn't have to drag through it for too long and neither did we.”
Living with an illness like cancer, that slowly took away her life while she was still alive, must have been so hard on her. Living in the house with two late 20-year-olds, a house she had spent the last 70 years in and the last 20+ alone, must have been such a huge adjustment for her. I can understand all of that now and wish I would have had more patience for her. Knowing what I know now, I would have been kinder to her even when she was verbally nasty towards me and my husband. That was very hard on me, to have the person that was always so kind and understanding my entire life turn into a different person.
We would argue over objects being moved from where she wanted them. We were still young and didn’t have kids so we would want to have friends over but it would upset her. Once the baby was born she swore I was the worst mother ever because I was not bathing him the way she would have. Sometimes I did not handle it very well and I regret not being more present with her and holding the space for her feelings, instead, I took it personally.
“It is strange this morning to be in the house and know that there really is no more Grandmom. Her house is not her house anymore, technically it is my Mom's but Stephen and I live here so it is our house now. Just us, we can have people over for dinner, we can have friends visit and stay with us, we can babyproof more easily, and we can clean out the basement, but it feels strange.”
I believe that we all did the best we could with the circumstances we were in. I believe, especially after she died, that all was forgiven. I remember the day after she died thinking to myself that I hoped I would forget a lot of the harder parts of the last few years, and mainly remember her as she was when I was a kid or even when I was in college. Thankfully I did forget a lot of it, reading some of it in my old blog was hard. Now when I think of her I do think of the woman that would take me to the pool and dance the polka with me in her living room.
“I forget that she is gone, or more exactly it doesn't feel real yet then it will hit me. The house feels different and looks different, we haven't made changes to it yet but it feels different. For now, I will take it one day at a time and everyone tells me that it gets easier which I am sure it does.”
The house did feel different immediately after she died, her energy was gone from it and it never felt the same after. Over time we did make it our own home, eventually, we moved out and one of my childhood best friends lived in it for a few years allowing me time to be able to let go of the house. When we did sell it, it was sold to a young mother and her children which we knew would have made Grandmom happy.
11 years later, I know she is physically not here with me, but there are times when I still forget she is gone. I explained to someone recently that it feels like she is in another room and I can’t see her, but I have never felt in all of these years that she was gone.
“I told Stephen I wonder where she is right now, is she with her Mom and Sisters in Heaven, is she now an angel? I don't know, honestly I really don't know what I believe, after all of this I think I do believe she is an angel now that will guide me through life as she always did before. I had told people in the past that part of why I never got hurt or into trouble was because my Grandmother said so many prayers for me and God always listened to Grandmom. I am sure he is taking care of her now.”
I still don’t know what I believe happens to our souls after we die, and I do wonder where her soul is now because I don’t feel like that part of us “dies” when our bodies die. I do believe that death is not the end, our loved ones live on inside of us and if we are open to their presence we will feel them.
If you are acting as a caregiver for a loved one at the end of their life or are going through the end of life yourself and need support I offer 1:1 virtual or in person support for caregivers and in person support for someone who is dying. Book a free 30 minute call to see if I would be able to support you in any way.
