Why a Death Doula, why not a Birth Doula?
l was timidly talking with a friend a few months ago about the new business and career path that I was officially starting, and I say officially because I believe I was on this path long ago but I never thought of it as a career until recently, and he asked me “why death, why not work with mothers and babies?” That is a good question and when you are starting a new business there are a lot of questions you have to ask yourself.
I remember the first time I was introduced to the idea that people die and sometimes they get really sick before they die. I was around 4 years old when my Grandfather died and while I don’t remember too many specific memories of that time, I remember how it felt. I spent a lot of time with my Grandparents when I was little and when my Grandfather got sick, I was around him a lot. While everyone else must have felt like they were losing him, I felt my connection to him get stronger. According to my mother and Grandmother (she has since passed) there was a time towards the end of his life where I was the only one that could communicate with him and understand him, eventually my Grandmother would ask me what it was my Grandfather wanted because no one else understood but me.
When he died I was not allowed to go to the funeral, they decided I was too young to go, and I remember being upset partially because I wanted to see his body without him in it. I have thought about this many times over the years, how my little brain and soul understood that when he was gone there was a body that was left behind and that what made him “Grandpop” was gone. That understanding started me on a lifelong journey of trying to learn and understand as much as I could about death and what happens when we die and what happens after we die (I still have no real answers to that question).
Over the years I found myself gravitating towards death and anything that had to do with it. Scary movies, ghost hunting, talking with ghosts, bones (I even buried a hamster and tried to dig it back up but couldn’t find it), all of the ideas around the afterlife in different religions. When it came time to pick my roller derby name (no I don’t currently play) I chose “Memento Mori” or “remember your mortality” since I felt like that was what I was always doing in life. In today’s society that fascination is seen as morbid and weird which it really is none of those things. I have spent a lot of time thinking about dying and thinking about others dying, but not with a sense of fear. All of this thinking about it gave me a sense of peace. It was fascinating and interesting and made me appreciate life in a way that you can only do when you come to terms with the fact that you will die one day and everyone you love will die one day and that is a beautiful thing.
So when I was asked “why death, why not babies” I sat with the question for a minute. Pregnancy and birthing babies were amazing and intense experiences that I am so grateful to have done twice in my life, but death we will do once and we will all do it. If I can help to ease fears of those that have always been afraid to think about death, to help them see the beauty in the process, to help their loved ones create a beautiful and meaningful time around someones death, that to me is magic.
When I heard the term “death doula” it was one of those moments when your life changes and you feel it right away but you don’t know exactly in what way. I immediately texted a friend and told them that I heard of the most amazing career, a death doula, and from that moment on I have worked towards building this business and this chapter in my life where I can continue doing what I have always loved doing. Helping people live their life with a clear idea of what they want to feel. In this case, it may be for a few days, a few months, or a few years but what better gift is there than to find peace with our life?
Birth and death.
