Discussing End-of-Life Wishes with Your Spouse
Discussing end-of-life wishes with your spouse, or your long-term romantic partner, is an important and sensitive conversation. It's essential to approach this topic with understanding and an open mind. A little further down in this blog post, there are some conversation starters you can use to start discussing end-of-life wishes with your spouse.
Here are some tips on what to discuss about your end-of-life wishes with your spouse and how to do it:
Focus on Life, Not Death: Begin the conversation by talking about the life you've lived together and the life you still look forward to sharing. Avoid starting with discussions about death and your end-of-life wishes.
Share Your Values: Start by sharing your personal values and beliefs, this can help you know what will be important to both of you when it comes to end-of-life care. Discuss what makes life meaningful for you, your thoughts on medical interventions, and how you feel about aggressive treatments.
Plan with Advance Directives: It is very important to have written advance directives in place like a living will and a durable power of attorney for healthcare. These documents appoint someone you trust to make medical decisions on your behalf if you can't and outline your medical care preferences. If you do not already have them, this is a good time to talk about getting them in writing after finding some clarity about what you and your spouse would like through these discussions.
Discuss Life-Sustaining Treatments: Talk openly about specific medical treatments like ventilation, artificial nutrition, and resuscitation. If you are not sure what types of treatments you may encounter, ask a professional to explain to you what the treatments are and when they may be used. Share your preferences and be understanding of your spouse's wishes too, even if it may not be what you would wish for them.
Define Quality of Life: Discuss what quality of life means to both of you and when you would prefer comfort care instead of aggressive medical interventions.
Choose Care Setting: Consider where you'd prefer to receive end-of-life care, whether it's at home, in a hospice facility, or in a hospital. Understanding each other's wishes can help ensure the right environment is chosen if needed.
Address Financial Concerns: Discuss financial matters related to end-of-life care, such as insurance coverage, medical expenses, life insurance, and available funds to support your choices.
Plan Your Estate: Make sure to have a will and estate plan in place. Speak to your loved ones, financial adviser, and lawyer about how you want your estate to be distributed upon your death.
Emotional and Spiritual Needs: Talk about emotional and spiritual support during end-of-life care and the importance of family and spiritual connections.
Share Donor Wishes: Communicate clearly if either of you wishes to be an organ donor and have in writing specific post-mortem donation instructions.
Discuss Final Disposition: Talk about your preferences for final disposition, whether it's cremation or a traditional burial, as a way to leave a lasting legacy.
Review and Update: If you have advance directives in place, periodically review and update them as needed to reflect any changes in your wishes.
Involve Family and Friends: Discuss how much involvement you want family members to have in decision-making, what family members and friends you would want near you (or kept away from you), and ensure that your friends and family are aware of your end-of-life wishes.
Remember that this conversation may take time, and it's normal to have different opinions and emotions. Be respectful, listen actively, and make decisions that honor your values while considering your spouse's. Seeking guidance from a professional death doula, mediator, counselor, or elder law attorney can be helpful in ensuring your wishes are understood and respected.
Conversation Starters:
What were some of your favorite life events or experiences?
What made these moments so special, and how have they contributed to shaping your sense of fulfillment and purpose?
What do you want to be remembered for?
Do you have any regrets? If so, what are they?
Have you loved freely and received love?
Is there anything left on your bucket list to experience?
Have you hurt anyone along the way and need to make amends?
What aspects of the future concern you the most as you age?
What are your fears and apprehensions about dying?
How can you come to terms with the idea of mortality and embrace a sense of peace in the face of uncertainty?
What are your beliefs about the afterlife or what happens after death?
How would you like to live out your last days if you become incapacitated?
What are your thoughts on Death with Dignity/Medical Aid in Dying?
Have you considered burial vs. cremation?
Have we planned for what happens to our estate if we were to die together?
What activities bring meaning to your life?
If facing a terminal illness, what type of treatments would you want?
Who would you want to take care of our children if we both die together?
Where would you prefer to spend your last days?
Who do you want to be involved in your medical care decisions?
Discussing end-of-life wishes with your spouse is an essential and sensitive conversation that can bring you closer together and provide peace of mind for both of you. By starting the conversation focusing on life rather than death, sharing your values, and planning with advance directives, you can ensure that the conversation can help to bring clarity and make sure that your wishes are respected in the future. Addressing topics such as life-sustaining treatments, quality of life, care settings, financial concerns, emotional and spiritual needs, and final disposition can help you make informed decisions that align with your values and beliefs.
Remember that this conversation may take time, and it's natural to have different opinions and emotions. Be respectful, listen actively, and make decisions that honor your values while considering your spouse's. If you find the conversation challenging, seeking guidance from a professional death doula, mediator, counselor, or elder law attorney can be immensely helpful in ensuring your wishes are well understood and respected.
Taking the time to have these conversations can bring peace of mind and strengthen your connection with your spouse as you prepare for the future. Now is the time to start the conversation with your spouse, do not wait until it is an emergency to figure out what you each would want for your end-of-life care. Utilize the conversation starters provided in this blog post to initiate the discussion with ease. By communicating openly and honestly, you can create a plan that reflects your desires for end-of-life care and leave a lasting legacy for your loved ones.
If you need assistance or have any questions about discussing end-of-life wishes, contact me to schedule a consultation, I can assist you and your loved one in person or virtually. Together, we can ensure that your end-of-life wishes are addressed and respected when the time comes.
